Desire for Romantic Relationships
The desire for romantic relationships is a basic human drive (Fisher, 2016; Sharp & Keyton, 2016). Romantic relationships can be linked to our evolutionary past in which social connection was required for reproduction (Spielman, 2013). The psychological importance of being in a romantic relationship is perceived by many to be more important than work, hobbies, or friendships (Fisher, 2016; Timmermans et al., 2017; US census, 2021). The majority of college educated Americans believe that marriage will bring them happiness and personal fulfillment (Cherlin, 2020; Coontz, 2005; Fisher, 2016; SIA, 2021).
While not all single people want to be in a long-term romantic relationship, many do, which results in millions of people dating today (Coontz, 2005; Cherlin, 2020; Fisher, 2016; SIA 2021; LeFebvre & Carmack, 2020; Timmermann et al., 2017; US census, 2021). Hookup culture is on the decline and America’s desire for romantic commitment is the highest it has been in years. The impact of the COVID pandemic, a traumatic period of time, has resulted in singles wanting to maintain meaningful relationships in order to obtain stability, family commitment, and emotional romantic safety (Alexopoulos et al., 2021; SIA, 2021).
Challenges of Maintaining Long-Term Romantic Relationships
Despite desiring to be in long-term romantic relationships, people struggle to maintain them. Maintaining a long-term romantic relationship is challenging, with almost half of marriages ending in divorce, and many active relationships failing to flourish (Brown, 2020a; Brown, 2022; Finkel et al., 2014). Reflecting the struggle to maintain healthy pair bonds, the number of single and unattached emerging adults has been increasing (Pepping et al., 2018). Relationships can deteriorate for many reasons, but several key challenges that can lead to relationship failure are (a) maladaptive attachment styles (Gottman, 2016; Harper et al., 2006; Downey and Feldman, 1996), (b) romantic beliefs (Knee, 2004: Sprecher & Metts, 1989), and (c) mismatch of romantic ideals to the reality of a relationship (Campbell et al, 2000; Campbell et al., 2016; Fletcher et al., 1999), and (d) a lack of comprehensive sex education (Goldfarb and Lieberman, 2020).
Maladaptive attachment styles. Dissolution of romantic engagements can occur as a result of patterns of behavior linked to maladaptive attachment styles (anxious, insecure, and avoidant). People with anxious attachment styles tend to fall in love fast but experience extreme self-doubt which causes them to seek constant reassurance when others are unavailable or unresponsive (Harper et al., 2006). Avoidant individuals may differ as they attempt to maintain independence, repress insecure thoughts, are hesitant to self-disclose and may have a negative outlook on love (Harper et al., 2016). Inherit stressors in the maintenance of intimate relationships trigger defense mechanisms that stem from maladaptive attachment styles and manifest in self-destructive behavior that cause relationship dissolution (Peel, 2020).
Romantic beliefs. Relationship downfall may occur as a consequence of unrealistic romantic beliefs that result in unattainably high expectations of partners and relationships. Romantic beliefs typically revolve around the perception that love is the most important part of marriage, the belief that love at first sight is possible and that there can only be one love that can withstand the test of time (Sprecher & Metts, 1989; Sprecher & Metts, 1999, Sprecher & Toro-Morn, 2002). Many individuals believe their romantic relationship will thrive if it is destined to and that their relationship success is out of their control (Knee et al., 2004). The media perpetuates romantic messages that are rooted in fairytales and do not accurately represent relationship health (Hall et al., 2010). As a result, relationship seekers are filled with high expectations of their partners and romantic engagements (Peel, 2020).
When people cultivate unrealistic expectations about what makes a good partner, relationship satisfaction declines thus leading to potential dissolution (Haines, 2014; Fletcher et al., 1999; Kaufman, 2018). Furthermore, individuals with jaded beliefs about romance tend to jump into relationships quickly so they can speedily assess their partner and relationship and subsequently give up on relationships quickly as well (Knee, 1998, Knee et al., 2004).
Mismatch of ideals. Relationships can fail if a partner and relationship preferences do not match up with the ideal romantic standards that an individual hold (Fletcher et al., 1999). People enter relationships with a set of ideals (general standards) to evaluate the quality of relationship they are in (Fletcher et al., 1999). As a result, ideals take on a myriad of meanings with regard to the concepts of love, romantic beliefs, realistic expectations or judgements of specific relationships or partners. Individuals are more satisfied in their relationships when they perceive smaller discrepancies between their ideals and their perception of their partner and some people adjust their standards in order to justify their partner selection (Campbell et al., 2000; Campbell et al., 2016; Karzantzas et al., 2019). Some people move through dating too quickly, making rapid assessments about potential partners as they search for the elusive “one” (Fletcher et al., 2000). Conversely, people who are too flexible in their ideals may stay in romantic relationships despite feeling unsatisfied or unhappy as a result of feeling (Campbell et al., 2001; Charlot et al., 2020; Peel & Caltabiano, 202).
Lack of comprehensive sex education. A lack of comprehensive sex education (CSE) in America also contributes to romantic relationship failure (Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011). People are entering into relationships without the knowledge and skills that contribute to relationship health (Peel & Caltabiano, 2019). Without CSE, people miss out on learning healthy communication skills, how to manage their emotions, how to embody a positive self-image and how to feel a sense of safety and control while in a romantic relationship (Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011). People without CSE may not understand how to feel empathy for others (Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020). They also may lack self-esteem which helps individuals advocate for themselves without being defensive (Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011). Furthermore, CSE provides youth with media literacy (Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011). Instead of learning healthy romantic relationship standards through CSE, romantic ideals are commonly formed via media-propagated romantic narratives (Bandura, 1979; Haines, 2014, Trémolière & Djeriouat, 2019). Disney princess movies, romantic comedies, television shows, digital magazines and social network applications that depict a fairytale life, get embedded in the minds of individuals and romanticized over time (Bandura, 1979; Haines, 2014; Kaufman, 2018, Trémolière & Djeriouat, 2019). Thus, a lack of CSE is causing relationships to continue to fail.
Self-Sabotage in Romantic Relationships
While several factors can contribute to romantic relationship failure, this research focuses on the factor of relationship self-sabotage. Relationship self-sabotage is defined as self-defeating attitudes and behaviors in and out of relationships that hinder prosperity, disengage effort and rationalize failure (Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b). Couples in relationships commonly engage in attack and defense when in conflict. These behaviors are problematic because while they may protect individuals from pain, they can cause people to unknowingly sabotage their relationship. Left unattended, these sabotaging behaviors can lead to relationship dissolution (Gottman, 1993; Gottman 2015). Peel and Caltabiano conceptualized three facets of relationship self-sabotage, which are defensiveness, trust difficulty and lack relationship skills.
Defensiveness. One self-destructive strategy people intend to protect themselves with in relationships is defensiveness, however, it contributes to relationship breakdown (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). People become defensive when they perceive an attack from another thus feeling victimized (Listisa, 2013). Many people who withdraw within a romantic relationship are utilizing defensiveness as a shield to protect themselves from feeling misunderstood. Defensiveness is used as a barrier to protect individuals from getting hurt by their romantic partner but causes subsequent disconnection and often dissolution (Gottman, 1993a; Listisa, 2013; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a).
Trust Difficulty. Most individuals believe that trust, loyalty, reliability and honesty are important pieces of keeping a romantic relationship healthy, however, self-saboteurs often struggle to maintain trust, causing subsequent relationship breakdown (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b). Often relationship self-saboteurs have experienced past traumas of betrayal or relationship infidelity and therefore maintain insecure attachment styles that manifest as anxiety that may be intolerable (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). Relationship seekers who have anxiety may consciously or unconsciously embody controlling tendencies such as clinginess, or who resort to partner pursuit, that will often push individuals away and cause relationship breakdown (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). Furthermore, people who have experienced trauma may lose faith in a person’s ability to commit to them (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b).
Lack of Relationship Skills. People who lack relationship skills often do not have insight into the dynamics involved in maintaining a healthy long-term romantic relationship, and therefore, self-sabotage their chances of relationship success (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). Individuals may lack romantic experience because of their age or level of maturity. For example, some individuals have poor examples of long-term romantic relationship health, so they are slower to establish healthy relationship skills (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b). Some relationship self-saboteurs have trouble feeling empathy and compassion for their partner’s experience and fail to apologize when their romantic partner feels they have done something wrong (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). Moreover, some people may not know how to effectively communicate with their romantic partner thus leading to a relationship struggle. Other self-destructive romantic partners may be inflexible and unwilling to do something that they may not get “paid back” for by their romantic partner, thus leading to anger and resentment (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a).
Problem Statement
Relationship seekers have stated that finding a long-term romantic partner is harder than ever before (Fisher, 2015). In order to self-protect, many people project relationship failure on others, instead of looking within. (Brown, 2021; Gottman, 2016; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a; Rhodewalt, 1990). As even this brief problem statement illustrates and the complete literature review demonstrates, relationship self-sabotage is an important, yet understudied factor in relationship failure. Research about romantic self-sabotage focuses on the beliefs and attitudes that lie beneath the behavior (Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a, Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b. Researchers have asserted that one of the reasons relationship self-sabotage occurs is as a result of insecure and anxious attachment styles that are developed in childhood and manifest in adult relationships through defense mechanisms like trust difficulty and defensiveness (Gottman, 2002; Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; Peel & Caltabiano, 2021b; Rhodewalt, 1990; Rusk and Rothbaum, 2010; Slade, 2019). Research also indicates that another reason relationship self-sabotage occurs is due to a lack of relationship skills (Peel & Caltabiano., 2021a; Peel & Caltabiano., 2021a). Without CSE, relationship skills are learned through romantic narratives that individuals learn through family, religion and the media that fill love seekers with high romantic expectations of their partner (Goldfarb & Liberman, 2020).
Some evidence exists that unrealistic beliefs about how romantic relationships should be, often termed romantic beliefs, may contribute to self-sabotaging behaviors (Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; Post & Caltabiano, 2021a; Post, 1988) The literature alludes to these romantic beliefs in different ways, such as, ideal standards, romantic scripts, the idea of “love conquering all” (Charlot, 2018; Fletcher et al., 1999; Sprecher & Metts, 1989) as the root cause of behaviors that are inherently self-sabotaging and cause subsequent relationship failure (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). Researchers have operationalized both the concepts of romantic beliefs (Sprecher & Metts, 1989) and relationship self-sabotage (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021a). However, no quantitative research exists that specifically examines the potential association of romantic beliefs and relationship self-sabotage.
Studying the potential association between romantic beliefs and relationship self-sabotage is important because we know that relationships are developed as a result of what we are taught either by being in prior relationships or observing relationships (Knee, 1998; Sprecher & Metts, 1989). When people observe the romantic relationships of their friends and family, they may pick up on unhealthy habits that do not reflect relationship health. Learning about the potential direct impact of romantic beliefs on relationship sabotage can help scholars and therapists better understand how to keep people from repeatedly sabotaging their relationships by helping them unlearn maladaptive behaviors.
Purpose of the Study
The purpose of this quantitative study is to examine the impact of romantic beliefs and relationship self-sabotage. Additionally, it is intended to add to the literature on relationship self-sabotage and to assist academics and clinicians in developing treatment modalities focusing on dismantling the psychological effects of romantic beliefs. The results will also add to the context of how we study relationship self-sabotage by focusing on the impact of romantic beliefs in each of the three domains; defensiveness, trust difficulty and relationship skills[LH1] .
Research Questions:
This study addresses the following question and associated hypothesis:
RQ1. To what extent, if any, is there an association between romantic beliefs and relationship self-sabotage among daters?
H0. Strength of romantic beliefs will be positively associated with relationship self-sabotage.
Significance of the Research
There is limited research examining the influence of romantic beliefs on individual relationship self-sabotage (Peel & Caltabiano, 2019). It is widely understood that the majority of individuals want to be in a long-term romantic relationship yet struggle to find or maintain romantic endeavors (Alexopoulos, 2021; Fisher, 2016; Timmermans et al., 2017; US census, 2021). Scholars understand that there are several psychological, physical and financial benefits associated with maintaining healthy romantic pair bonds (Braithwaite et al., 2010; Kanskey et al., 2018; Markey et al., 2007). Researchers contend that high romantic expectations can cause decreased satisfaction in relationships (Campbell., 2000; Fletcher et al., 1999; Knee, 1998). Unrealistic romantic beliefs do influence a person’s romantic expectations and can cause subsequent relationship dissolution (Charlot et al., Hall et al., 2010; Knee, 1998; Knee et al., 2004; Peel & Caltabiano, 2019). Peel & Caltabiano (2019) found that a lack of relationship skills is a key factor in relationship self-sabotage.
Peel et al. (2021b) suggest that future research is needed to study the broad concept of relationship skills associated with relationship self-sabotage so that practitioners can help break individuals’ cyclical pattern of relationship dissolution. Research conducted on CSE shows that quality CSE enables young people to develop accurate and age appropriate sex knowledge, media literacy, attitudes, skills, intentions and behaviors manifest in safe and healthy relationships (Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011). From this, using a social learning theory lens, one could infer that learning relationship skills from CSE, which includes media literacy, can result in realistic romantic beliefs, and subsequent relationship health (Bandura, 1979; Fronner et al., 2014; Goldfarb & Lieberman, 2020; Peel & Caltabiano, 2019; UNESCO, 2018, UFPA, 2015; WHO, 2011).
While there is research that speaks to the role of romantic ideals in relationship dissolution and maintenance, no studies, to my knowledge, investigate romantic beliefs association to romantic self-sabotage. It is the intention of this dissertation to contribute to the literature by exploring the influence romantic beliefs have on developing behaviors that are maladaptive and self-sabotaging, resulting in relationship dissolution. Additionally, this study will provide more evidence for the need for comprehensive sexuality education in schools and evidence for relationship psychoeducation in the therapeutic